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Date: Sunday, August 23, 2009 Time: 11:30 PM I$$UES
Alright let's talk tapir logic. Granted, I get a lot of expensive gadgets but it wasn't until recently I found out the true reason why I got them so easily. I'm not supposed to talk about it but it's got a lot to do with the exterior. I just want to talk about the smaller things- not vacations, not iMacs, not Swifts... it's the pocket money issue. The money which I witness fly off my very own hands. Currently, my life revolves around different groups of friends (dance, swing, myrawk, highschool)- not a freaking school where I am enclosed in and do pretty much nothing else aside from the scheduled classes. I don't see my usual group of friends daily anymore since they are scattered all over the world and upon meeting up when they return, it won't be at friggin' school. It's definitely at some eatery or the mall which means I DO need to spend money. If I were off for my dance practices- which Miss B sooooo kindly did not charge me for those extra hours (we're talking up to possibly 6 hours extra here!), I eat lunch OUT. Why? 'Cause there's no food at home. And the only edible thing I have is bread and what's available to compliment it? Freaking peanut butter. That's it. Peanut butter, peanut butter. Apparently we can't afford to live on variety in here, it's all availability-based. I just got nagged at for having 2 packs of instant noodles in a week. "Why couldn't you eat the bread instead?" Why would anyone even be bothered to come up with such nonsensical questions? Will the answer shed so much light to the disaster of me binging on noodles instead of bread?! HUH?! And I-Vee foots the bill sometimes! How often do I watch movies nowadays? Ever since Kelvin left for Pahang, I pretty much spent most of my time during the weekdays at SMASH and Sha's place or PJCAD in between. I don't even spend that much money with Sha! We share a freaking can of Coke and a plate of Kuay Teow for lunch! Say if I do go watch football on the weekends, I'd probably take out 20 bucks max... and that's really rare cause I usually don't buy myself anything. I just sit and watch. That's all. The moisturisers I use... well, they are mostly from Suki's mum. Goddamnit I felt so guilty I couldn't even treat her for lunch the other time. It still haunts me till this day. All these free stuff and I gave her nothing in return. Yet I still get shot for finishing my toner. HUH?! I bring that all up and what do I get? "What happened to your 1.5k?" Be reasonable! I won that money in May! It's gone, gone, gone! I didn't ask for allowance when I had the money. I spent it. "Who ask you to shop,?" It's in my nature! At least I don't bust out 600 bucks on a Paris Hilton bag! I bought things I wear. The shoes made me feel good and daaamn, couldn't I enjoy the fact that I didn't have to beg and risk getting into a heated argument with you everytime I want something? I ABSOLUTELY ABHOR SHOPPING WITH HER. Both of us can't help it. If it's not about football, you won't listen, I can't talk- there's no neutral ground. I couldn't take the 'discussion' no more so I just left the room. It was going nowhere. She doesn't want to listen to me, as usual. Everything I said was tied up into a bag of rants and thrown right back at me with a "if you want money, go ask your father" tag. So I'm the grenade being launched- only that I am conscious of the harm I am capable of doing and the fact that I'll be blasted to smithereens. Fuel and fees aside, I live on pretty much 100 bucks a month. I take a 50 this week... 2 weeks later I'd feel so goddamn bad for asking for more cause I get asked, didn't I give you a 50 last week?" Break that down to 3 bucks a day, I am surprised I can manage a social life. She wants me to work part-time since I have only 2 classes a week. Fair enough but honestly, she wants brilliant results from me as well. Pull those two apart, I see so much logic in why she'd suggest it. But bring them together- I just can't do it. I FUCKING HATE PJCAD. I have to work so much harder than majority of the class because I oppose everything they teach me. I find things out MYSELF, I argue, I fight for my ideas... I feel like a freaking salmon beating itself to death swimming against the current. But my goal isn't sex-- it's for design. I have been so stressed out because I give such things so much thought it's driving me insane. I am practically fooling myself and trying to counter the stupid notions I have in my head 24/7 due to stress. You have no idea how thankful I am that Miss B, Sze and the rest of them for have me in the team for the comp cause it really does distract my mind from playing all these PJCAD nonsense again and again. Plus do I REALLY need to work? Unlike most of my friends who pretty much have a life in/out of campus- I don't freaking go out in groups, I don't club, I don't do drugs. I am like.. a freaking nerd. Seriously, at the rate this is going, I should just stop college and work right now. I am not that stupid that I can't survive without getting a degree. I just have to swallow the bitter pill of regret that I can't maximise my potential which I was brought up to believe that I possessed for the past 20 years. Fuck education lah. I think I've reached the end, can't afford any further. I'll prolly end up funding my own education sooner than I thought. K the combination of ginger+ this is giving me a mild fever. This sucks balls. Sorry it's not been a good month for me. |